5 Nigerians on Discovering They Married The “Wrong One”

Marriage is often seen as the reward at the end of love’s journey, but for some, it’s the beginning of a reality they didn’t prepare for. 

In this story, five Nigerians reflect on the painful realisation that they may have chosen the wrong partner. They open up about the moment things started to unravel and the difficult choices they’ve made since then.

“She was only with me for my money” — Shola*, 43

Shola* thought marrying his dream woman would fix the insecurities he felt when he was broke. He learned the hard way that it wasn’t enough to sustain a marriage.

“I always knew my wife wasn’t the right person for me, but I wanted a baddie. I’d struggled with women for years — until I got my money up. So when I finally had the means, I went after the kind of women I couldn’t get before. Jen* fit that picture perfectly.

I went all out when we got married in 2019. She made all kinds of expensive wedding demands, and I took on debt just to meet them. I knew most of the expenses were unnecessary, but I told myself it was the price of marrying a high-maintenance babe.

It didn’t take long to realise she was with me for the money. At the time, I worked as a bank branch manager and ran a car dealership on the side. But after the wedding, I started dipping into my business capital to fund her lifestyle, and the business suffered. Jen ran a perfume business that never brought in any money, and when she got pregnant, she quit because it was ‘too stressful’.

Things got worse after our son turned one. I lost my job, and we had to survive on what was left of my struggling car business. That meant cutting back on many things, but Jen wasn’t having it. She became a stranger, constantly nagging and always complaining. It got so bad that I could barely stand being at home.

People started saying she was seeing other rich men. I confronted her, and she didn’t even deny it. She said I couldn’t meet her needs anymore. That was the final blow.

I eventually got tired, sold what was left of my business, relocated abroad, and picked up my life again. That was about a year ago. Jen refused to come with me, so we’ve lived apart ever since. We only speak when it’s about our son.”

“He’s the biggest enemy of my progress” — Hafsat*, 28

Hafsat* went from having a perfect long-distance relationship to being stuck in a controlling marriage in a new country. By the time she saw the red flags, she was already in too deep.

“I met Aliyu* through a family friend during Ramadan in 2022. He lived and worked in Germany and was only in Nigeria for a short while. We started talking and, maybe because we never had issues while in a long-distance relationship, I believed he was perfect.

Over time, our bond grew deeper, and we decided to give marriage a shot. The next time I saw him was just a week before our wedding in October 2023. By then, I noticed how he tried to control what I wore and would get upset when I disagreed. But I mistook it for care and thought it was cute.

After we got married and moved to Germany, I saw the real him. He was juggling school and a factory job, and he expected me to do the same immediately I arrived. Despite my hesitation, he found me a job as a bartender, and when I refused the role, he beat me.

I stayed unemployed for almost a year. Eventually, a friend helped me secure an assistant teaching job at a kindergarten. I didn’t involve him in the process. When I got the job, I  thought he’d be proud I was contributing to the household. Instead, he fought me for going behind his back and said I wasn’t submissive enough.

He didn’t force me to quit, but he made it hard to keep the job. He would assign chores that delayed me in the mornings and set a strict curfew that made attending meetings outside school time impossible. It became clear to me that he wasn’t just unsupportive; he was the biggest enemy of my progress.

After just five months on the job, I was getting regular queries and knew they were close to firing me. That December, when we travelled to Nigeria for the holidays, I went straight to my family’s house and told them I wasn’t returning to Germany with him.

It caused a lot of drama, but eventually, he returned on his own. Now, I’m back home and in the process of finalising our divorce.”

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“Every day feels like a tug of war between our beliefs” — Lilian*, 29

When an unexpected pregnancy pushed Lilian* into marriage, the last thing she expected was for religion to divide her home.

“My husband, Sam*, wasn’t deeply religious when we met. He was raised Christian and attended church, but his faith felt shallow. I had reservations, especially because of some of his questionable friends. But by the time we were introduced, I was already pregnant. The pressure from both families to make things right pushed us into marriage.

I welcomed our child shortly after we got married. That’s when Sam started talking about ‘returning to his roots’. I didn’t take his words seriously at first, but then he stopped attending church. He began exploring alternative religions and hosting meetings with spiritual groups at our house. I confided in his family, hoping they’d talk some sense into him. But when they couldn’t, they told me to just accept it and let him be.

Meanwhile, I was getting deeper into my Christian faith. I wanted our daughter to grow up grounded in the values I believed in. But one day, Sam said he didn’t want her to go to church anymore because he wanted her to follow his spiritual path. He even started teaching her things I didn’t agree with.

Looking back, I can’t say I didn’t see hints of this during our courtship. But I didn’t think it would escalate to this. Now, every day feels like a tug of war between our beliefs and what’s best for our child. And even though I worry about her growing up in a broken home, I’m not sure I can keep staying in one.”

“We live like housemates, not lovers” — Jay*, 46

Jay* settled out of pressure, hoping love would come later. Years down the line, he’s filled with nothing but resentment.

“Vera* and I didn’t get married because we were in love. Her aunt matchmade us, and it felt like a convenient arrangement then. I was 41, and she was in her early 30s, and we both felt the pressure to settle down. I convinced myself love would come with time, and we’d grow to care for each other. But almost five years in, it still hasn’t happened.

We struggle with intimacy. She doesn’t enjoy it, and that affects me too. It feels like a chore neither of us wants to do. I’ve brought it up several times, but she always brushes it off. She’s not open to therapy either.

Things got worse after we had kids. I started spending more time outside the house. I’d hang out with my guys, and she’d complain that I was becoming absent. One evening, I took our first son with me to a get-together. He played with the other kids while I had a few drinks. When we got home, she smelled the alcohol and confronted me. The argument escalated until she slapped me. 

That slap changed everything. I realised I’d made a mistake marrying her.

Both families tried to settle things, but I couldn’t move past it. I’ve started to resent her, and I don’t know how we’ll recover from that.”

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“I wish I understood I was also marrying his family” — Faiza, 31

Faiza thought love would be enough to break through the prejudice of her in-laws. But when she fell ill, their hostility exposed everything.

“My husband’s family never liked me from the outset. His mother, especially, made it clear I wasn’t welcome. And I should have taken that as a sign. I convinced myself it was because we were from different tribes, and my husband insisted it didn’t matter. He said he loved and wanted to be with me, so we married quietly in 2022 without telling his family.

They found out later, and his mother claimed she’d gone to pray about me and was told I’d bring misfortune to her son. She held onto that and treated everything I did like proof that I didn’t belong in their lives. Malik never defended me and let them treat me that way.

Things got even worse when I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. His mother acted like her fears had come true. Malik started to change, too. He showed care, but it felt forced. I could tell he was angry at me for being sick. I became so miserable, and even wondered if they were right all along.

I moved back to my parents’ house this year for chemotherapy. That was when I truly realised how our marriage had deteriorated. Malik barely calls anymore and has only visited me once. I’ve also heard his family is pressuring him to take another wife. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he does.

It really hurts. I wish I had understood that I wasn’t just marrying him. I was marrying his family too, and they were never going to accept me.”

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