Dear Kay,
The last few years with you were filled with highs and lows. We loved, we fought, and we broke up more times than I can remember. Through it all, I held on tightly. I kept hoping things would get better, and for a while, I thought they had. Never did I imagine it could get worse.
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How do you go from telling me I was the only one in your life to having secret affairs with multiple women? You don’t even use protection with them. Have you no self-respect? You must have held me in low regard to risk my health like that. You were the last person I ever imagined would do something like that.
I have seen so much misfortune in my relationships. When I met you, I was sure you were different. I used to believe you would never even look at another woman. But I was wrong. Completely wrong.
It’s always the quiet-looking ones, isn’t it? You were a demon in disguise. A wicked soul hidden behind a calm face.
I often wonder what I didn’t do right. Where did I fall short? Was it when I made excuses for every red flag? Gosh, I was so blinded by your false innocence that I couldn’t see past the mask. I let my guard down completely.
I still remember what you said when I caught you.
“I understand that words alone may not be convincing, so I want to assure you that I am willing to put in effort and energy into building this relationship. I am committed to making it work.”
I believed you. I gave our love another chance. Why did I think you were capable of change?
I’ve cried so many times, Kay. More than I ever thought possible. But, the tears don’t run out. How do you introduce someone to a kind of love you knew was never real? All you fed me was layer upon layer of lies.
It’s been years since I gathered the courage to leave you, but the pain still feels like it happened yesterday. That’s how badly you broke me.
After everything you put me through, you haven’t changed. You are still out there, going through women more often than you change your boxers. What a life!
It’s so painful to realise that men don’t seem to want good women. You give your all to a man, and he turns around and ruins you, then walks away as if nothing happened.
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Did you know that you were everything to me, Kay? My joy. My peace. My safe space. I wish you hadn’t done what you did. Or at least, I wish I had never found out. Because now I feel like a damaged soul, wandering the world without direction.
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I am trying to move on but our memories won’t let me. I’ve cried. I’ve prayed. I’ve begged God for healing. All my efforts have gone in vain. Inner peace feels like an elusive love.
Though you left me broken. Though you crushed me. If I ever get another chance to love again, I hope I don’t lose sight of what’s beautiful. I hope I don’t bleed on someone who didn’t hurt me. Most importantly, I hope I don’t make the same mistakes I made with you when I tried to rationalise the warning signs.
—Bibie
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