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My husband watches a lot of blue film—pɔn. It wasn’t a problem when we were dating. Sometimes I joined him and later tried to practice what we watched. We couldn’t match what we watched, but it was fine. It felt like teamwork—teaming up to make something work in our relationship. We dated for two years and got married. Within those two years, our bedroom life was good. We didn’t go a week without doing it three or four times.
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That changed quickly after marriage. I had to initiate before something could happen. If I didn’t initiate, we’d go for weeks without doing it. While our sex life suffered, my husband didn’t stop watching the adult stuff. He watched on the giant screen while I went around doing my things. He watched on his phone while in bed. I could wake up at dawn and see him watching and keenly following what was happening.
I asked him, “What do you do with all this content you consume? Have you found someone you experiment with?” He didn’t answer. Another day, I asked the same question. He still didn’t say anything until I asked why he didn’t touch me like he used to. He answered, “You always do what you want. What about what I want?”
That was new to me because there was nothing he had suggested to me that I didn’t give a shot. Even the ones I knew I couldn’t do, I gave them a shot and failed so he would know that at least I tried. He told me there were wild desires he wanted us to explore. Unfortunately, he couldn’t tell me because he knew I would say no.
I’d always tried everything he suggested, even the crazy ones, the ones I thought weren’t right. “Tell me,” I encouraged him. “Tell me what is in your mind. Who knows, I may surprise you.”
I was eager to know this new desire. I didn’t know what it entailed, but as far as it made him happy and also resurrected our dead bedroom, I was ready to try. I asked, I pushed, I coerced him to tell me, but he didn’t. He kept telling me, “I know you. You’ll turn your back on me once you hear it.”
From the way he talked about it, my mind went to 3-som. He had mentioned it while we were dating, and I told him I couldn’t do it. He mentioned it once and didn’t say it again, but looking at how he held on to this new desire made me feel that was what he was thinking about. I asked him, “Is it about what you said when we were dating? You know that is the only thing I would say no to.”
He answered, “Oh, it’s different, but I can see you saying no.”
I didn’t push it again since he wouldn’t tell me. One evening he was in the corner watching his phone’s screen. This is how I get to know he’s watching ‘blue’ film. He would watch the screen for several minutes without touching the screen to scroll or type something. I went to lie next to him and tried to get his attention off the film. I touched him where I knew I would get a response. I kissed where I knew he wouldn’t resist. Nothing worked.
I said softly, “Look at me. We can do our own here.”
We hadn’t done it for close to three weeks. He asked, “Do you know what I want?” I whispered, “Tell me. I’m here for you.” I was being sexy, inventing romance in my voice so I could seduce a stone. He said, “It’s crazy, but I will give you everything if you say yes.” I responded, “Go ahead, babe. I’m all yours.”
“I want you to do it with someone else while I watch.”
All the sexiness in me dried up. The romance in my voice vanished as I screamed, “I’m your wife, for Christ’s sake. I’m not a hookup girl you brought home last night. How can you tell me this?” He muttered, “I knew it. I said it.”
In the morning, he came and apologized. Even his apology was conditional, an act to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him: “It’s just a desire I’m having, and I thought you could help, but if you can’t, it’s okay. Sorry that I asked.”
I thought about what he told me for days. I asked what had come over him. I questioned if another woman had opened doors to places I hadn’t led him to.
He became a little bit distant. He didn’t talk much, and I didn’t see him watching his favorite things. He didn’t eat in the house often. I didn’t ask questions until this new behavior went on for too long. When I brought it to his attention, he told me, “If you won’t give me what I asked for, don’t I have the right to remain quiet? I’m thinking about my life. Just leave me.”
When we were dating, we did crazy things. When I say crazy, think about everything beyond the borderline. It was always the two of us, hidden from God and doing what the devil would be proud of, but to bring a third party into a moment meant for only the two of us was where I drew the line. His attitude didn’t change. I thought of different ways to bring excitement back into our marriage. Nothing really worked.
I went into his phone, something I should have done long ago. All the messages I read between him and women were raw, nothing incriminating, until I read a message between him and a guy he had saved as K’bee. That was when the truth came out.
He had done it with this friend of his. Not once but twice. It wasn’t clear the relationship between the woman involved and my husband, but it was K’bee who did it with her while my husband watched.
My heart was on fire while imagining the scenes and how horrible it felt. I got to where my husband asked his friend if he could record it next time so he’d watch later.
I confronted him with the same fire in my heart. I asked if he had also done it with another woman while his friend watched. He said no but that he only loved to watch. It became a heated argument where I was almost screaming. He said something I felt was stupid. He said, “I didn’t want to cheat. That’s why I wanted you involved.” I was like, “So you wanted your friend to do it with me while you watch? Isn’t that cheating too? You must be crazy. You need exorcism. You’ve crossed the line.”
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To be honest with you, the sweetness of the marriage has left me. Though he tells me he’s changed and that he sees the sense in what I’m saying and all that, I still don’t believe him. He looks shady. He looks like he can sell me for a song if that would make his fantasy come true.
I’m watching keenly, and he knows. One more mistake, and I’m out the door. After all, we don’t have a child now, and this is the best time to leave. So I will use every opportunity available to me to ensure my peace of mind and also the sanity of life.
—Mamle
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